I asked a good friend of mine, on Google+ if he would like to be a Guest Blogger on my blog *Filtered Sunlight*.


He loved the idea. This is his post to the blog.  He would like feedback.  Many of you know and love this person.  


*On Forgiveness*


I read somewhere that anger and resentment are poisons for the one who holds them (not an exact quote). This statement resonates with me quite strongly, since I have stuff to forgive. I understand, on a logical level, that the statement is true, and yet it's hard to put into practice, it seems, at least for me.


Why is it that I find it difficult to "forgive"? It is related to the
other part of forgiveness, often mentioned in the same context, and that's forgetting. Forgive and forget. One is supposed to also forget, if he/she is to truly forgive, but the people I have to truly forgive, I cannot let my guard down. I will forever, no matter how naive I am (and I am, very naive), be vigilant, and direct my vigilant attention and suspicion towards the people that have wronged me. I can never truly forget, and that's why I am not sure I actually forgave, either, though I don't feel the resentment anymore. Is that forgiveness?  Shouldn't forgiveness arise from a conscious decision, rather than come as a simple consequence of the passing of time, coupled with physical separation? I don't know, because I can only see inside my own head, so when people talk about forgiveness, they have their own ideas of what that really entails.


Most of the things I need to forget stem from my childhood, and the person I would have to forgive is my father. I have absorbed abuse that changed me, forever. I have lived through terror and humiliation. Now that I am an adult, can take care of myself and don't depend on my father in any way (and am aware of this, of me being independent), I don't even feel any need for forgiving him. I feel nothing towards him - it's an equanimous state, most definitely not characterized by oblivion (fading from memory). Should this forgiveness be absolution (exoneration) of his actions?  I can't do that, either; I feel that it would be unfair towards that little boy, frightened and small, a boy that was deeply changed by the abuse perpetuated towards him.  I cannot absolve my father in his name. That's something only he can do, but it's too late for that, I am afraid.

What does forgiveness really mean for you? I would like to know. Not the stereotypical, feel-good definitions of it, but what you truly think forgiveness should be.    GS

the girl gets a report card she is eight years old

mother sees it and looks at her, father must be told

home he comes, looks at the card, he goes to hug his girl

she shrinks away, doesn't know if the belt may be unfurled 

father looks extremely hurt, he wanted just a hug

he doesn't know his cruelty and the hole that he has dug

to this day, she can't forget, the hurt within his eyes

but then again, he caused it,  first crack in love's demise

the girl is not interested in dolls and such things, 

she liked, to her family's dismay, to walk around and sing

one day the girls says to her mother, can i walk to the library alone

mom thinks and says, sure it's safe, i'll be right here at home 

the girl is walking down the sidewalk, her arms are full of books 

a man starts walking beside her, he gives her many looks

the adult starts asking questions, she must be quite polite

she doesn't want to get in trouble, when dad gets home tonight

she tries to walk much faster, she's not too far from home

the man starts walking backward not allowing her to roam

he walks right in front of her and he shows her a coin holder

he says come in the bushes, i'll pay, he's getting very bolder

the girl just doesn't understand, she says to him, but why?

the man just looks and smiles and gives her a reply

he says, do you have a little brother?  she says,  yes sir, I do

i want to show you what I've got, just mine's not small and new

he continues to walk backward looking straight down at the girl

he thinks she is bewildered and he has her in a whirl

the girl he doesn't realize is very smart and quick

she picks right up on what he said, and understands his trick

they are almost to the corner where the girl can cut across

she tells him i do not understand, which part, i'm at a loss 

she starts walking very slowly, as he explains to her

now he is talking, in a voice, just like a purr

as he's walking backward, thinking he can't fail

the girl is memorizing everything,  to remember each detail

she looks at hair, eyes and nose, information to her brain

he doesn't know how easy it is for the process to remain

she looks at teeth, she looks at hands, the blue thing with the money

the girl doesn't like that fact that he repeatedly calls her honey

she keeps on looking at him, something funny about his lip

his shirt, his legs  he wears no shoes, but on his shorts a rip

they walk down to the corner, where the girl can cross and run

she runs so fast she can not breathe, the mom can see she's stunned

she yells, what's wrong with you, and takes her by the palm 

she tells her mom what happened, the mom's face mad, yet calm

the mom grabs the phone and yells, please get off this line,

we have an emergency there isn't very much time

the police they come so quickly, they think the man will hide

the girl gives them information that she has stored inside

they quickly leave, they find the man they have to chase him down

through streets and yard he runs, not wanting to be found

because of the girls description they saw him in a trench

a police man broke his arm trying to grab him for his offense

they caught him that very night, then they called the dad,

he grabbed the phone and talked to them, she's young, this could go bad

they said we really need her, she can pick him out, we have a line up ready,
he looked at her, already knew, her resolve it was so steady

the girl was scared to death, when she went to the jail,

she picked him right out of the line up, twice, he was not given bail

seems there were eleven children, in fact, he did abuse

but none got a description good enough for the police to use 

no children in the courtroom, until their case was in sight

during that long and scary wait, dad held his daughter, tight

the girl looked around and saw, evil in some eyes

that day, the dad healed, that first crack, in love's demise

   

   

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name


Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly

I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes


Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name


   

Lyrics - Seal

Photo by K.Morlock 5/19/12

the sun is up, it's finally here, open up your eyes

jump right up, excited, you've got a big surprise

today is not a normal day, you made your mom a present

your mom will be so happy, and the day so very pleasant

running down the hallway to the kitchen door

the parents are arguing, as they've done before

special present that you hold, slide behind your back

you listen to them fight, your heart now feels so black

he yells to her you wanted this, he slams it to the floor

you said it could be your present, you wished for nothing more

she said it is my birthday, why do you make me grieve

my brother serves this country, he is home on leave

i need to take a drive with him, i'm sure that you agree

no the mother says to him, sad the girls will be

you said we'd have a party and promised lots of fun
my brother just drove up he says, i hope that we are done

mother was so mad at him she cursed him, then was silent
suddenly she screamed, she raved, then became so violent

mom grabbed the present he had given, a present she'd begged for
she took that prized and wanted blender and threw it out the door

she hit the car, she meant to, she screamed, she cried so hard
a blender for a present, no flower, or a card
to his brother he mumbled, it's nothing to worry about
and while the car was moving, the dad, he jumped right out

he picked up the broken present, from the driveway tar

he placed it on the table, well THAT got you very far

now you have no blender, no present, just a mess

probably embarrassed his brother saw, no less

another birthday ruined, a hole punched through a wall

he went upon his way, didn't hear his daughter call

she gave her mom the picture, she had made at school

the picture hung to hide that hole, the mom was not a fool

baby crying  in a crib
mother lying in her bed
doesn't wake to tend his needs
he'll cry for hours, if not fed

plotting how to make him stop
two sisters stand below
deciding what to do
food he needs, to quiet him, that much they do know

they make a plan, it goes like this
climb up to the top
slide right down in to the crib, grab the baby
pick him up, do not let him drop

slide him down to waiting hands
be as careful as you can
the boy is caught so cautiously
mother stirred, the sister ran

left alone, slip out the room
clean the baby up
warm his bottle on the stove
soon he'll have his sup

you sit there in the rocking chair
you whisper to your brother
don't worry, it will be all right
i'll be the other mother

you're six years old, you rock and sing
the little babe is sleeping,
he's fed and warm, wrapped in your arms
and in your thoughts you're thinking
 and
    wondering
        if she did this to you
           left you alone
              when you needed her, too.......

one day you realize you're alive

when that is, i think it's five

it's the age you remember, even when you are old

how so many things, could make you feel so cold

the world felt different, but somehow wrong

people sang, but you never felt the song

get a book, sit down and read

escape the reality, forget the need

not good enough to make them proud

you are pretty, pulled out for the crowd

you go through life, thinking, no more for me

i'll be different, live reality

but as you grow events emerge

your sad and happy often converge

you think you want to write a story

you never do, because you worry

what will they think when thoughts are rid

of  things they never thought they did

i'm going to write about my life

it's sad, it's long, it's filled with strife

a poem, a story, I will write 

a chapter or two every night

until you come to know who I am

the ever forgiving, sacrificial lamb

if not afraid i'd suffer the fate,

repercussions, of past, i would relate

for me the time has come to change

i have a life to rearrange

for many things i thought would be

i have yet to ever see

the world is still here quickly spinning

it seems at times there is no winning

my mission here is to cease

these thoughts,

  the pain,

    and come to peace

when I say my life's the best

you may think it is -i jest

it seems i am the one to blame

because some things have stayed the same

this thing i need, i've tried before

this time i'm going through that door

my life story, will be told

to those

who wish - watch it, unfold